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Tuesday, 29 December 2015

Drama

CALM DOWN, DEARS!

Nobody's saying that women can't be writers!

Just because Polly Hill, Controller of BBC Drama Commissioning has announced eight new drama commissions and not one of them is written by a woman, doesn't mean that women can't write.

They can.

Women can write all sorts of things!

They just can't write dramas.

(Actually, one can: one of the adapters of one of the dramas is called Fiona but she doesn't have a surname which probably means that she's divorced).

Honestly, women can write a whole variety of things as long as those things aren't drama-based. The list is almost endless! Here are some examples:



They can write shopping lists.
They can write wedding invitations.
They can write love letters.
They can write their signature.
They can write simple, romantic poetry that rhymes.
They can write the dates of all their friends' and relatives' birthdays in their calendars.
They can write pretty greetings on cakes with icing.
They can write down a list of all their favourite baby names.
They can write notes to their children's PE teachers when their child's ecstasy come down prevents them from doing swimming.
They can write christmas cards to their husbands' parents and, if they're really clever, they can sign the card from both themselves and their husbands.
They can write 'help' on top storey windows when they're trapped and need to be rescued by Piers Brosnan.
They can write apology letters to restaurants when they've done their period all over the seat.
They can write thank you letters to Piers Brosnan after he's rescued them.
They can write jealous and hysterical emails to the women their husbands work with.
They can write to Marks and Spencer to complain about the fact that the member of staff who held the door open for them was a woman and not a man.
They can write down an inventory of all the activities their husbands will be undertaking on their business trips to Hong Kong so that they can think about them every minute of every day.
They can write basic children's stories about witches, evil stepmothers, princesses and counting.
They can write the numbers one to ten (see above).
They can write down all the things they love about their children.
They can copy a recipe from a book.
They can write the word 'sorry' on a piece of scented paper to place on their husbands' pillows after their husbands have been cross with them and stormed out of the house after breaking some plates. 
They can write down their body measurements.
They can write down the number plate of their husbands' cars but only if their husbands are reciting it to them very slowly (preferably in person as opposed to on the telephone).
They can write down the Hail Mary (usually from memory).
They can write down a list of all the things their husbands want them to be better at (preferably while their husbands are dictating (slowly)).
They can write cheques to pay for aerobics lessons in monthly blocks.
They can write in their diaries (but only when they're not menstruating).
They can write letters to the Queen.
They can compose a text message (but only on mobile phones that make a noise when the keys are pressed; this way, women can keep focused and not drift off into a daydream about wanting babies).
They can write a polite notice for the front door to say their husbands are too tired to talk to sales representatives.
They can write letters of hope to people in prison.
They can write down quotes (but not from the Financial Times).
They can write short, positive reviews on Trip Advisor.
They can stencil an equation.
They can write dramas that are commissioned for the BBC oops!

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